I am not sleeping…period. I cannot seem to find my mind, control it long enough, and go to sleep without having to think about all the things happening in this moment. I am constantly making sure John is okay and every little movement he makes…I am awake. His convulsions and active dreams are becoming more and more frequent and longer throughout the night. It is hard to say at this point whether it is the mix of medications he is taking or cancer continuing to conquer his beaten body. This is something we are going to discuss with his nurses and doctors here first thing tomorrow morning. There is no reason he should have to feel anything but euphoric these final steps of his journey and I know his care takers will make sure of this….as it is a trial and error process with any medications one takes.
So, the short of it is…I am worn down. BUT…so is he and he rages on in his fight…and so will I. We are very fortunate to have so many who love our bubble we have formed around us and who will protect us whole heartedly. There are those same people who love us individually as well. They know what each one of us need in a given moment and who hold our hands through times when we need to talk and cry. I have many of these people in my corner…and I know many others in John’s. We have had many visitors every day in this home and we are so thankful for every one of them. My brother and sister in law were here this weekend and even more love was stuffed into this house if you can imagine that. It feels good to have my family around with John’s…my mom and my dad included…it feels good to know all of these people adore John just as much as I do and who are also here for me too. Love, prayers, laughter and why not, a little more love. We feel it all.
This week we will continue to check his hemoglobin which has held strong since we left Florida and make sure his comfort is at the forefront of our daily concerns. Cancer is taking a toll on John just as it would anyone with the amount he has to endure. His appetite is not as high and his nausea is a continuous battle…have I mentioned the draining? He has several more swollen lymph nodes popping up on his body and each one is the reminder of what he is experiencing. We know what is happening but it does not make it any easier to see it take a charge on the love of your life. It is hard to stand by and watch with helpless eyes….I love him…more than anything in this world, I love him.