10.10.2010

fatigue...

I am not sleeping…period. I cannot seem to find my mind, control it long enough, and go to sleep without having to think about all the things happening in this moment. I am constantly making sure John is okay and every little movement he makes…I am awake. His convulsions and active dreams are becoming more and more frequent and longer throughout the night. It is hard to say at this point whether it is the mix of medications he is taking or cancer continuing to conquer his beaten body. This is something we are going to discuss with his nurses and doctors here first thing tomorrow morning. There is no reason he should have to feel anything but euphoric these final steps of his journey and I know his care takers will make sure of this….as it is a trial and error process with any medications one takes.

So, the short of it is…I am worn down. BUT…so is he and he rages on in his fight…and so will I. We are very fortunate to have so many who love our bubble we have formed around us and who will protect us whole heartedly. There are those same people who love us individually as well. They know what each one of us need in a given moment and who hold our hands through times when we need to talk and cry. I have many of these people in my corner…and I know many others in John’s.  We have had many visitors every day in this home and we are so thankful for every one of them. My brother and sister in law were here this weekend and even more love was stuffed into this house if you can imagine that. It feels good to have my family around with John’s…my mom and my dad included…it feels good to know all of these people adore John just as much as I do and who are also here for me too. Love, prayers, laughter and why not, a little more love. We feel it all.

This week we will continue to check his hemoglobin which has held strong since we left Florida and make sure his comfort is at the forefront of our daily concerns. Cancer is taking a toll on John just as it would anyone with the amount he has to endure. His appetite is not as high and his nausea is a continuous battle…have I mentioned the draining? He has several more swollen lymph nodes popping up on his body and each one is the reminder of what he is experiencing. We know what is happening but it does not make it any easier to see it take a charge on the love of your life. It is hard to stand by and watch with helpless eyes….I love him…more than anything in this world, I love him.

13 comments:

  1. we are continuing to pray for you all daily. my heart is breaking for you and i am so inspired by the strength and love that you show.

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  2. I am so sorry. I continue to pray as well.

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  3. We will continue to hold your family in our prayers.

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  4. Many who know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior have expressed their hearts cry about John‘s salvation, but what about you, Cat. Have you called on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to save your soul and to forgive you of your sins. Cat, Jesus Christ walked this earth as God man, He was crucified on the cross and shed his blood for our sins, He took our place, He rose again conquering death, and HE IS ALIVE. Yes, bodies will die (although someday believers will have a new body), but if we choose Christ as He has chosen us, our spirit can live on forever and ever and never die. Abraham referred to his body as a tent, a temporary dwelling place. The Word says the Lord has placed eternity in each one of our hearts. We may try to deny it but down deep we all know that there is a God. For believers, the Word says to be absent from the body is to be immediately present with Christ. What a marvelous promise for a believer to know that their very last breath here on earth will put them in the very presence and loving arms of their Creator for all eterntiy. Christ loves you and John so very much and no one knows better than He what you are going through. You don’t have to understand it all just believe and put your faith and trust in Him. He is the One who brought you and John together and the deep love that you share for one and other comes from Him. You cannot win this battle now or later in your own strength, even as determined as you are, but you can let go and give this battle to the One it belongs to and let Him fight it for you. Cry out to the One who beckons us from His Word that His yoke is easy and His burden light and that In Him we will find rest for our weary souls and that only He can give us peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding. There is a beautiful thing happening here in that God has chosen to reveal Himself to you through the deeep love that you have for one another. His word says, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.” Jesus Christ stands at the door of your heart and knocks, open the door for Him to come in and discover that HE IS ENOUGH.

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  5. There is a saying by Ralph Waldo Emerson that says it all. "When you were born, you were crying and everyone else was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone else is crying".

    John, I think of you and the mark you leave on everyone. You are truly a good man. It must run in the family...it reminds me of someone else we knew and loved.

    Kat, Hang in there. Your love for each other will keep you strong and get you through.

    I love you both,
    Helen

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  6. Sandra Sketch10/11/10, 10:59 AM

    I have to tell this story i replay in my mind when I think of John. I work at Aldi and i was the store manager at the time in Sanford. It was our first Thanksgiving and we were busy and short handed. I kept hearing from all the other managers about this super star working at Semoran. I asked if i could use this super star one morning to help me out. It was a non load day. But this doesn't mean there was less to do. I have never seen anyone prep more effieciently and fast as John did that morning. I 'm thinking to myself I better get my game on , he's making me look bad. His positive outlook on the prep we all had before for the holidays made we look at myself . With that positve attitude it turned into a great prep morning. It was about 20 minutes before open everything done 100 pecent. Super man had to leave by 9 to do a double shift at his own store. I told him how much I dreaded staying late that night after close to switch off merchandisers (freezer to cooler,turkeys and ham displays) It's a big job. John bet me he could get it done in 20 minutes. he did . He physically moved spot merchandisers and reloaded them. In this business this is huge . I couldn't have been more thankful. He was in a hurry to go and I asked him real quick how the wedding went. ( I think he had been back just 3 weeks or so from marrying his beautiful wife. He stopped and his whole face lite up. And those beautiful blue eyes were shining.(I remember how blue, and this is something i didn;t get from the blogs) He was so excited. he didn;t say any details about the trip, it was all about his new wife . How great it was to be married to her and details how long they had been together. And he made a point to show me his ring. Thats the only time i saw him slow down that morning, to talk about his wife. I'm thinking to myself, this big strong young guy is throwing me through aloop. I have never met a guy that young to feel that comfortable to talk about being in love like he did. From that time on I only spoke to him on the phone and saw him at meetings. Always uplifting. When I heard he was leaving I called him, hoping it was a rumor. He told me life was to short...He had plans. Ever since i have read the blogs i have made it a pointe in my life to change. I have to thank John for that. I will always think of you. (by the way did you put the Jarritos on the top shelf at store 5? ) maybe for a guy like you ,that was easy but what about us little people? They will always remain there.

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  7. When I read this post the song "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" By: Aerosmith comes to mind. I love you. You're strong - no matter how tired your body feels, because your love for him is strong. And he knows that :-)
    I love you.
    ~ Tia

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  8. To pray for John and Cat is a beautiful thing. To "push" or "preach" religion on one or both of them is unnecessary. Some of the comments on here and other blog entries are neither helpful or comforting. I am going to assume the ones writing these entries do not know John and/or Cat, one because you sign as anonymous and two because if you did you would ONLY want to help and/or comfort both of these beautiful people and I, personally, feel you are doing neither. The blog is titled "And then there were two.... a little about our day to day" and is a way to keep family and friends updated on their journey through life, not necessarily to tell the world all of their thoughts and beliefs. What John and/or Cat believe is up to them. What Cat and John choose to share on this blog is up to them. Do not judge, criticize or question things they want to keep between themselves or to themselves. I do not care who is a believer and who is not, I care more about who you are as a person and what is in your heart. John, Cat - I love you both with all my heart!

    Much, Much Love!
    Sylvia Scott

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  9. Amen to THAT, Ms.Sylvia!

    - Shannon S.

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  10. Cat, I rarely pray. But reading your blog has touched me in such a way that I have prayed the past week at night for you and John. I know I don't know you that well, and I know you are a Cowboys fan and I am a Giants fan (hahaha), but you have inspired me SO SO much you have no idea. There needs to be more people like you and John in this world. I recently became engaged to my boyfriend this past weekend, and I can only hope the love we have for each other remains as strong as the love you and John have for each other. Thank you for being so amazing...you don't realize how many lives you and John have touched.

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  11. Hi, I grew up with John and Megan living behind my family. Where is dad still lives, we shared a back fence. Unfortunately, I don't keep up with them so much anymore...except seeing Facebook posts. Through my parents, who still live there, I heard of the initial diagnosis. Then I saw this blog on Megan's page. What an absolutely amazing work you have created here. The journey you both have been on since that first diagnosis just breaks my heart. The love you have maintained throughout it all, however, is truly inspiring. Also, the way you are able to express yourself is almost unbelievable. I can't offer a lot of wisdom but I can send a lot of prayers and positive thoughts your way. I'll be thinking of you guys.
    --Ashley Mullen

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  12. All I want to say is none of us truly know what "happens" when we leave here, all I know is that you are amazing and I don't know you, I read this, and feel like I know you both....I have cried and I don't know you...I have prayed and I am not a religious person, I have told your story to others, who have also started reading this, so no matter how one looks at this, their belief, etc. all I know is you are here for a reason, and will always live on. You have changed my life in so many ways and the way I look at things; etc. I am a nicer person and I don't sweat the small things anymore, and for that John and Cat, I thank you. Thank you, for letting me have something to believe in, you are truly angels!

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  13. Bless ya'lls hearts. You hang in there hun. Sleep MUST be difficult but make sure you take care of yourself too. You and John are constantly in my son and my prayers (who doesn't listen to a 4yr old's prayer?) =) Both of you are incredible fighters, keep it up. Never lose hope. We are all here for you.
    xoxo Tanya

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