diary...

I realized this is my diary. I never really kept a diary when I was young…not even a journal. I would always start one, keep it for a few weeks and put it down to never write in it again. Anything that I did write would be forgotten or would remain a distant memory. I wish I would have started a blog about my life…from the beginning…to look back on every day with fond and loving recollections….especially the life I shared with John. What this man has brought to me is nothing short of amazing seconds, minutes, hours and days. Since meeting one Thanksgiving almost seven years ago, he has been in my heart every day since then. No matter when the thoughts started coming through my fingers into words, the years prior I filed in my mind. I am glad I started this blog….I am glad we have amazing people to read along with us….I am even more humbled by those who have been touched in some way…but more than anything, I am beyond happy that John is a part of my life. I will never say “was” no matter when I speak my profound happiness with him or of him. To me, it will always be “is” because I know he will never leave…any of us really. When you have a spirit like his, those “-isms”, smiles, jokes, thoughtful sayings and sweet baby blues…they are all carried on…just like many others we have all loved in the past, but to me…this will be different. He is my one true love…my soul mate…my sweet angel.

He lies here next to me…having a hard time sleeping too. His noises, movements, night sweats, dreams and coughing all keep him from really delivering his body the sleep it needs at night. He finds himself sleeping most of the day and barely keeping his eyes open. Sleep is a large part and a majority of his life now. When he is awake for brief moments, he says hi to visitors or plays a quick game but then drifts back out. Many times, we continue to stand or sit around him…talking about the amazing man lying before us, as he drifts in and out of his own consciousness. It is amazing how his mind keeps fighting and his loving voice staggers into conversations midstream. His body is weaker and his breath is wheezy…it is hard to listen to because he never smoked a day in his life and was an active twenty seven year old man. I know this will never be easy…ever. There is nothing easy about what he has gone through these past eight months either. I will see him again…I know I will, but for now…I keep these thoughts flowing and keep loving this perfect creature.

My thoughts are all over the place…can you feel it? I am just writing…anything that comes to mind, I just wanted to let out. Thank you everyone…it feels good to know we have so much love, prayers and support flooding our way….keep them coming my dear friends…we continue to fight with that, no matter what the suggested outcome.