10.12.2010

diary...

I realized this is my diary. I never really kept a diary when I was young…not even a journal. I would always start one, keep it for a few weeks and put it down to never write in it again. Anything that I did write would be forgotten or would remain a distant memory. I wish I would have started a blog about my life…from the beginning…to look back on every day with fond and loving recollections….especially the life I shared with John. What this man has brought to me is nothing short of amazing seconds, minutes, hours and days. Since meeting one Thanksgiving almost seven years ago, he has been in my heart every day since then. No matter when the thoughts started coming through my fingers into words, the years prior I filed in my mind. I am glad I started this blog….I am glad we have amazing people to read along with us….I am even more humbled by those who have been touched in some way…but more than anything, I am beyond happy that John is a part of my life. I will never say “was” no matter when I speak my profound happiness with him or of him. To me, it will always be “is” because I know he will never leave…any of us really. When you have a spirit like his, those “-isms”, smiles, jokes, thoughtful sayings and sweet baby blues…they are all carried on…just like many others we have all loved in the past, but to me…this will be different. He is my one true love…my soul mate…my sweet angel.

He lies here next to me…having a hard time sleeping too. His noises, movements, night sweats, dreams and coughing all keep him from really delivering his body the sleep it needs at night. He finds himself sleeping most of the day and barely keeping his eyes open. Sleep is a large part and a majority of his life now. When he is awake for brief moments, he says hi to visitors or plays a quick game but then drifts back out. Many times, we continue to stand or sit around him…talking about the amazing man lying before us, as he drifts in and out of his own consciousness. It is amazing how his mind keeps fighting and his loving voice staggers into conversations midstream. His body is weaker and his breath is wheezy…it is hard to listen to because he never smoked a day in his life and was an active twenty seven year old man. I know this will never be easy…ever. There is nothing easy about what he has gone through these past eight months either. I will see him again…I know I will, but for now…I keep these thoughts flowing and keep loving this perfect creature.

My thoughts are all over the place…can you feel it? I am just writing…anything that comes to mind, I just wanted to let out. Thank you everyone…it feels good to know we have so much love, prayers and support flooding our way….keep them coming my dear friends…we continue to fight with that, no matter what the suggested outcome.

9 comments:

  1. I have always been a big fan of journals. I kept one every year of my life until I was 21. And I'm glad that you have found an outlet that not only allows you to communicate your love and grief, but also keeps everyone who loves you both to keep track of your journey.
    I am always here. I love you.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this journey with us through your 'diary.' Your blog is reaching, affecting and influencing more people than you and John could ever imagine. Always praying for you guys... <3

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  3. We love you and are thinking of you both througout our day. You have shown us your love for each other and I think that is what sticks the most in my mind, your never-ending connection to each other.
    We continue to pray and hope that these days that you have together are filled with peace.

    Holly and JB

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  4. I, for one, am so glad you have this blog. I feel like I'm right there with you even though we weren't close in High School and I have yet to have the pleasure of meeting John. A diary can be so healthy for your emotional well being, keep it up =) it's such a release.
    Prayers Always!

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  5. You don't know me, but you and John are with me... in my thoughts daily....as you share your life through your writing. Thank you for laying open your lives and allowing us to be with you on this journey. I am praying for you throughout the day.

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  6. You have touched so many people through this blog and your posts on Facebook. Those of us who know you and John, have had the good fortune to see first-hand the love you have for each other. It resonates from both of you and is very inspiring!

    Thank you for opening your heart and life to all of us. So many people love you and are praying! What a huge testament to how wonderful you both are!

    I love you and will continue to pray for both of you and for your families.

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  7. Bridgette Thomas10/14/10, 3:33 PM

    Cat,

    Thanks for sharing this journal with the world because it has shown people what the definition of faith and true love really is. I just wanted to thank you for the updates and just wanted to let you know that you and John will continue to be in my prayers. Love you and blessings to you and John.

    Bridgette Thomas

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  8. Best wishes from Germany - people here are hoping and praying for you!

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  9. I lived two doors down from John and his family and can rember playing football in the front yard at our house.I am so sorry that he is going through all of this pain he was a great person and always looked out for Megan I have not seen John in about 16 years but I am sure he is still putting up a fight. We will pray for you guys hang In there John. Jason Nowling

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