older posts...

I don’t normally look back at my older blog posts because the past is the past…but I did today. I went back in time to see what it was like before cancer became a part of our lives. I naively wrote about the miniscule events happening in our lives like the house hunt, my MBA, John’s promotion, and our expectations of children to follow. It was a time where we talked about what our children would look like (always with his beautiful blue eyes), what our house would look like and what retirement would eventually be like. It is crazy how things have completely turned around. I read the “Busy does not even begin to describe it” entry and chuckled to myself. It is funny how I thought I was busy or even remotely stressed then. What was I thinking? No problem is worse than another…I am not trying to say we have it the hardest in life by any means. Though this has been the hardest thing I, myself, and John have ever gone through…there is always that possibility that it could be worse. Not sure how, but it could be. What is really eye opening is the fact that many have to go through hard times to really appreciate what they have in front of them. This fight…this cancer…this ridiculous rollercoaster…this “bitch inside” my husband…this toxic crap…was not needed for me to know or realize the amazing being lying before me. I have always known what person I had as my life partner and how to value him every single day. Now, because of all this, it is all magnified. How many times can I say it? I adore him. He is fighting for his life….and there is not a second that goes by that I do not wish it were me rather than him. He is such a sweet, selfless soul…fighting for a future we used to talk about so haphazardly without regret but with love.