9.28.2010

my angel...

My sweet, amazing angel. What can I do or say to make this all better? There is nothing left…and it hurts. Everyone who has ever met John will say the same thing, “I wish I could take this away.” I do too. Since the last blog entry, we got the news we never wanted to hear. Let me walk you through the past few days.

Friday evening, John’s mom arrived in town and was put into this whirlwind with us. She is really a strong and amazing mother and I am thankful for her presence this week. She walked right into the mess by getting taken in the hospital hallway by the surgeon who put his larger chest tube in place. He took it upon himself to tell her…rather than the 27 year old man who has been going through all this for the past seven months…that things are a lot worse than they seem and we were not being told the entire truth about his diagnosis and life expectancy. With those few words, he stole the optimism and positivity we had been fighting so hard to keep through this full journey. Saturday and Sunday were spent in a fog with the anxiety of wanting to discuss his options with his oncologist. Soon came Monday and we hurriedly called him to ask of his schedule the following days. He let us know he was to arrive first thing Tuesday morning to look over his chart and discuss treatment options. All the while, John had been draining more, darker, bloodier fluid on top of countless transfusions and xrays to continue tracking his drainage and hemoglobin. Monday did seem to get better and the previously higher blood pressure John was battling, was decreasing hour by hour.

Finally, this morning came. We were woken up by the portable xray team, coming in to do their morning routine of John’s chest and stomach. As I was stumbling in the hallway, still half asleep, I realized….it was Tuesday. Tuesday was the morning we had been waiting for since the dreadful news on Friday. My hair disheveled and my eyes full of morning crust, I made my way back into the hospital room we have now called home for over a week. I plopped down on the couch and could not help but look at my feet and then over to the drainage kit lying beside John’s bed on the floor. I had noticed he was on his fourth kit, each one holding over 2,000 CC’s. The uneasiness and nervousness I felt in that moment was unbearable. Susie walked in the door around 8 that morning, handed me the ritual cup of coffee she stopped to get the two of us and sat down next to me. This wait for the oncologist took me back to the wait we experienced the very first time we sat in the cancer center waiting to hear the results of the first set of scans when John was originally diagnosed. I looked down, realized I was still in my sleeping clothes and proceeded to the bathroom to change into jeans. Just then…I heard the door open. I could not get my pants up fast enough and rushed out the door to find John’s oncologist sitting on the couch. Before I tell you what he said…I want everyone to know, we have been incredibly lucky to have the support of our family and friends, but equally, our amazing doctors and nurses. If we did not have the support and fight our doctors had along the way, we would not have been so optimistic. I sat right next to the oncologist and he began to talk to the room. In this small, cold hospital room sat John, Susie, the Nurse Practitioner from the surgical team and me…all hanging on what he had to say next…“John, treatment is just not an option anymore.” As the words rang through my ears like an ambulance siren, I got up and walked to John’s bedside to hold his hand. The doctor continued to talk about the amount of tumors in his chest, the progression, the quality of life he wanted for John for the remainder of time, how chemotherapy was too much for his low hemoglobin, and how the fluid was coming out pure blood and was preventing further treatment. He was getting transfusions every other day but it was literally coming out the other end of his chest the same way it went in. With those statements, it was like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. It continued when he said, “The tumors were responding but finally outsmarted the treatment and is back with a vengeance.” I squeezed John’s hand and watched him slowly break down. He hung his head and could not believe the news either. We always kept hope that one day he would beat this and now we were told there was no way. It was like a tidal wave…the entire room felt it and we all were sobbing uncontrollably. Hospice was mentioned…pain management…at home care…making John comfortable…and finally, sending him away for yet another surgery this week to put back the at home drainage tube in his chest so we can take him out of the hospital.

Susie and I followed the hospital bed as he was carted down to another floor for this surgery with a new surgeon. We requested a new one after the incident on Friday. It was over in less than an hour and we were met at the door by the surgeon as John was whisked back by on his way to his room. “Everything went as planned and I found another pocket of fluid the previous drain did not access,” he said. The thoughtfulness in his eyes and the way he held my arm showed me how much he really cared for his young patient. I asked if he retrieved a lot from his chest…even with all the draining John had done throughout the week. “Yes,” he nodded, “…a lot more actually.” Where and how was John carrying all this? It boggles my mind. We hurried up the elevators and met John in the room, where he was still coming out of anesthesia. He opened his eyes, saw his mom and me standing before him, and smiled. My angel smiled…then said the funniest thing I have ever heard. “Baby, I dreamed about giant green beans…they were the size of my arm.” We giggled together and it seemed to make every ounce of sadness vanish for a few moments.

After hours of recovery and coming out of the medicines they gave him from surgery….here we are…a mess. We are a freaking mess. These past seven months have been such an uphill battle with the hope of beating this horrendous leach growing inside of him. Our gastro doctor said it best weeks before, “We all want John to prove us wrong. We want him to make us all look like jackasses and beat this thing.” More than anything, we wanted and believed this too. He was going to be that rare case that won…the one who made it in the medical and record books as being the youngest case ever diagnosed with esophageal cancer and on top of all that, beating the bleak prognosis and living years beyond what anyone expected. We wanted this so bad. Today, we realized this was not going to happen. We have all fallen apart several times today and I am sure, as word spread of the results, others did too as if they were right next to us. I cannot blame anyone for feeling this pain because of the love you have for John. I am so lucky and thankful to have this man in my life and I know you all feel the same. We do not know how much time we have left with him, but I am going to be sure to spend every last second I can letting him know how much I love him. So…with that….we are headed back to Indianapolis on Monday after getting things together here in Orlando this week. His beautiful sister will be here on Friday and all four of us (John, myself, Susie and Meg) will fly all together to stay at her house as the cancer continues to run its course. I never thought I would say that…let the cancer run its course. I find myself looking down at my wedding rings, starring at John, or looking at the floor and completely zoning out. I think of all the beautiful memories we have shared and the amazing love we have for each other. It is like I am not even in my own body anymore. Today, a social worker came in the room to check on us and one of the last questions she asked was if we had kids. I told her no….but that we always wanted children. I sobbed and realized this would never happen with John and could not control my tears. One of the many things I wanted to have with this beautiful person is now gone….and I cannot stand it. My world is in shambles and the one person to make it all better, every single time…is leaving. We do have the most amazing support system…we really do…I know that….but selfishly, I only want one person here with me, and that is John. A part of me does not even think this is happening right now. I'm sorry...I know my thoughts are all over the place right now. Please…I beg of all of you…please, send your sweet love, prayers, thoughts, and compassionate words to my husband. This is what we need and this is what I ask of all of you. I just love him so much…

46 comments:

  1. Tanya Floyd9/29/10, 1:59 AM

    I'm praying now. My son and I will pray for John tomorrow and the next day and the next....my heart goes out to you. I'm in tears wishing I could do something for you both. BLESS YOU JOHN!!!!!!

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  2. Gosh.. my heart is aching for you both. John, I love you. Cat, I love you. i don't think i have ever witnessed such love and strength as you have shown and shared throughout this journey. John you are amazing.

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  3. Thank you both for being an inspiration to me, thank you for showing me how to love well and how to live my wife better. Thank you for the hope and the strength and the laughs, I love you both dearly.

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  4. Jennifer Combs9/29/10, 8:27 AM

    Oh Cat, I am so sorry. You are both in my prayers and thoughts every day. I wish there was something I could do...You two are amazing and the fight you have put up and the love that you share inspires us all!

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  5. Cat, Susan and Megan, There are no words that I can say to make you feel better or to make this situation any better. I don't know Cat or John but I do know John's mom Susan and I know what an amazing person she is, so I feel like I know John. I just feel the need to tell all of you in this time of pain and sorrow, please turn to God and trust in him. I know it is hard to do but there is a plan and a reason for everything. It doesn't seem fair, it seems cruel to take such a young vibrant man but there is a reason. John if you haven't please accept Jesus as your savior believe he died for you and ask him to forgive you for your sins. Just think of the reward, no more pain only happiness. Cat, God will help you Susan and Megan get through this. With his help and the help of each other and your friends you will make it. I will continue to pray for a miracle but if that is not the answer I will pray for peace for the entire family. God bless all of you in your time of pain and sorrow.

    Luann

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  6. Sandy Davis9/29/10, 8:58 AM

    Cat & John,
    I am so sorry and my heart breaks for you. In no way can I begin to imagine what this has been like, but having a new husband whom I adore, I am brought to tears just thinking about it. You are both so strong and will remain in my prayers.

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  7. My heart breaks for both of you two beautiful young poeple. May God be with you at this time. I hope the wonderful memories you all have of John will make this time somewhat easier for you, if that is at all possible. Prayers and love to all.

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  8. I'm a friend of a friend and have been following your blog. I've had cancer in my family for many years. You are such a strong couple and an inspiration to so many people. I'm glad you two had the chance to be married and live, even if it was for a short period. You're in my thoughts and prayers always and god bless you through the rest of your journey. I'm so sorry.

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  9. I am friends with Stephanie and Dustin Martin and also have been following your blog. My heart breaks for you. I wish more people could experience the love you have for each other. I am sitting here in tears for you both. You guys are two amazing people with an amazing love story. I will pray for you and may God bless you through this journey.

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  10. I wish I could have the power in my hands to take the pain away from you... I wish that I can make all this sorrow just disappear. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, I love you and adore you!!!!.
    I'm proud of you for being so brave and strong.
    John is an Angel indeed, and he came to show us and teach us so many different lessons in life.
    The most important one,,, how love can unite so many people for only one purpose.... JOHN AND YOU

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  11. I love you both SO MUCH, and I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Please know that we are constantly sending our love and prayers your way. We will see you guys on Saturday. Please let us know if there is anything we can bring or anything we can do. We love you guys!

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  12. Thoughts,love and prayers Cat. I'm so so so sorry that you two are going through this. I didn't get to know you and John that well, but I feel like I've grown to know you both through your blog. Your strength and love for each other is amazing. You inspire people and hearts are breaking all over for you, John and your families. Thank you for having the courage to share this deeply emotional time. It's a life lesson for us all. God Bless.

    Stacey Gething

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  13. Dear John and Cat,

    We have checked your blog a million times since your last entry and each moment that passed our hearts grew heavier. Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog with us, you have such a way with words.

    Our hearts are broken wide open as we cry out to the Lord for all of you. We love you guys and you both have been an incredible blessing to both George and I for the short time we have had the priviledge of knowing you.

    As I can barely see through my tears writing this, please know that there is STILL a marvelous hope for you and John and that is the hope of eternal life and being together forever and ever without end.

    I actually got "Saved" when my aunt died. I had never experienced death before and there was a million things going through my mind. Was there really a heaven, did she go there, and on and on. I sought the Lord with all my heart for answers, and I discovered everything I would ever need to know in a personal realtionship with Jesus Christ. He promised to never leave me or forsake me no matter what and He has always kept His promise and He will do the same thing for you. My life changed completely the day I followed the Lords plan for salvation and confessed my sins and cried out to Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior and for Him to come into my heart to live for ever and ever.

    John and Cat, if you haven't already, our most important pray is that you too will ask Jesus Christ to come into your hearts and to be your Lord and Savior and to forgive your sins so that you too can have the certainty of eternal life. The Lord will not force Himself on any of us out of His great love but His greatest desire is that we would cry out to Him and choose Him so He can save our soul.

    As our earthly bodies waste away and we see what John's body is going through and the limitations of man it is so apparent that this earth is not our home. Yes, our bodies will die, but our soul has the opportunity to live on forever and ever and the both of you can cling onto the fact that you will dance with each other once again and then for all eternity.

    One of the greatest things I have learned about my walk with the Lord is that it's not about what I know about Him, but what He knows about me. I pray with all my heart that you and John believe this and put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ.

    As you empty yourselves of everything you are feeling and experiencing and you feel as if there is nothing left, please know that there is, and His name is Jesus Christ. Cry out to the Lord and He will be your strength, your comfort, your peace, your hiding place, your refuge, your protector, and anything else you need Him to be but most of all a loving Father who cares for you and will provide for your every need in a way no man could ever do for you.

    As I speak on these wonderful promises my heart is filled with peace and joy for what the Lord is going to do for both of you. We love you guys more than words could ever say.

    John, I will never forget the day George came home from work after meeting you face to face for the first time. He said I have just met the most amazing young man and I am so excited about the opportunity to get to know him. It has been one of George's greatest thrills in life to be like a big brother to you and although it was his job to take you under his wings it has been your wings who have showed him what it is truly like to fly.

    With abundant love,
    George and Liz Baroody

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  14. Cat-

    I don't know what to say. I read your post and I'm bawling. I keep praying for a miracle for you and John. No one should have to go through something like this, ever. I know miracles still happen and I will never stop believing that God is doing something great here. I know we haven't known each other very long, and we really only met through Rasmussen, I feel like you and John are friends. I know you're feeling lost right now, but this too shall pass. Pray, hold John and don't give up that miraculous healing can still happen. Take care of yourself.

    --Carmen

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  15. My heart is so sad for you. I don't think there is really anything anyone can say to make you "feel better" right now, understandably. Please know you have people all over the world praying for you, and that there is no reason to give up. I know it seems easy coming out of my mouth, seeing as I am not in your position right now, but I speak healing and life over your husband! I command the cancer to disappear and never return in the name of Jesus! Thank you for being such a good example of love! I'll be hugging my husband extra tight today. I'm continually praying for you and John and you're on my heavy heart!
    -whitney

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  16. WOW! I have no words to tell you that will help you or comfort you in this time. I am inspired and impressed with your love, commitment and continued admiration that you have for your husband. I’m 27 years old, I’m getting married in 10 Days to the love of my life, and I CAN’T even begin to imagine or fathom what you are going through at this point in your life. I pray that God will carry you through this time and that you will seek His face daily in what His plan is for you and your husband’s life. Although I have never met you, nor even know you, please remember that God may push us to extremes, but He NEVER gives us anything we can not handle! I pray for peace and comfort and please know that the Good will come out of this in order to glorify Him and His Kingdom. May God bless you and your family in this time.

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  17. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
    -John 14:27

    All my love to you and John.
    Leah

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  18. John & Cat,

    I don't have the words to express my sorrow for what you are going through. I have been following your blog since this whole mess started, Cat. I know is an amazing person and without having met you, I would say the same about you. I actually work in hospice and my entire office has been praying for you almost every week. Now I/we will pray that John will be saved. I know he doesn't believe but I hope things change. I also want to say that I completely recommend hospice. I know it's scary but you are going to need the extra help and support. Please let me know if you have any questions about hospice. I would be happy to help. You are all in my prayers.

    Sincerely,

    Kara
    kararsmith@gmail.com
    317-370-2478

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  19. I love both of you and feel blessed to witness your love and strength for each other.

    Not having the words, there is something I would like to share. I cannot ever listen to these lyrics without thinking of you both...two of the most amazing people I know.

    Baby Blue-
    Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
    The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest.
    And I will forever, ‘cause you'll forever be,
    My one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you forever,
    My baby.

    You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
    And when you wake, you will fly away,
    Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
    Goodbye, my love, into your blue, blue eyes.
    Your blue, blue world.
    You're my baby, blue.

    Confess, I'm not quite ready to be left.
    Still I know I gave my level best.
    You give, you give, to this I can attest,
    You made me, you made me,
    You and me forever, baby.

    You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
    And when you wake, you will fly away,
    Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
    Goodbye, my love, into your blue, blue eyes.
    In your blue, blue world.
    You and me forever.


    Love you both-Nik

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  20. Cat & John
    Neither of you know me, I have been following your blog since the beginning of the horrible ordeal. I live in Vancouver, Canada and have been married to the most wonderful man for 13 years, the thought of what your going through after only a year is heart breaking the thought that you wont be able to share the joy of raising a child or buying a house is very surreal to me. Cat I am not even going to try and understand what you are going through, I will however share with you something my own grandmother told me when her husband (my grandfather passed) remember the strength that John has remember laughter you have shared and remember the love you have for each other this will get you through. I know it's not even close to what you want to hear or even need, Just know that you and John are in my thoughts and prayers everyday and the strength, courage and love you have shown will forever be with me.
    Hugs
    Denise S
    Vancouver, BC Canada

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  21. Praying for you both. My heart aches for you. Praying for the best memories to be continue to be made...

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  22. Cat-

    I just finished reading this post and my heart breaks for the both of you. I can't stop crying... No one should ever have to go through what you've gone through. I'm so sorry that something so precious that you love in in so much pain. It's hard when you have no control over what life deals you... IT JUST SUCKS! I hate that you and John will not be able to have children... I am so sorry. I can't imagine... The only advice I have for you is to enjoy every single minute with your sweet John. Please laugh together, kiss each other, and have fun... I love you girl.

    You both are in my thoughts and prayers

    -Geneve Gush York

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  23. Although you don't know me, I felt the importance of letting you another person is thinking of you both. (I'm good friends with Stephanie/Dustin and Nichole/Michael.)Reading this today just broke my heart. You both are in my thoughts and prayers. I couldn't imagine going through this with my husband at our young ages. Just keep the faith and remember that miracles do happen.

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  24. I don't know you or John personally but have followed your blog since the beginning and joined team Goddard, I am so sorry to hear the latest prognosis I will continue to pray for a miracle for you!! You have touched so many peoples lives, there are no words I can think of to comfort you, just know a lot of people are praying for a miracle for you both.

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  25. Every time I wonder if love is worth the risk, I think of you. Every time I think it's better to wait and think harder about whether my feelings are real, I think of you. Your story has touched me and stuck with me. I believe that there are plans that have been made for you that are still playing out. You are not finished, nor is John. I am sorry that you have to suffer through this so soon after your life together began. Remain blessed, Cat. You are never too far from love and you are never out of God's hands. Neither is your beloved.

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  26. I love you both so much. You have been a true blessing to me and even more my sweet daughter. You guys are amazing people and an even more amazing couple.

    John, I consider it the utmost privilege of knowing you. You are a true example of what a GREAT Man looks like! It would not take long for anyone that came in your path to see this!

    I can't even imagine how hard it has been for you both and how hard it will become. One thing I can share is that these are the times that having faith is so vital. John I pray you follow what George and Liz Baroody shared with you in their letter to you both. I pray that you both draw God close to you and open your hearts to Him. You can totally lean on him and He WILL carry you through ANYTHING! I pray that you find His peace, grace, love and comfort.

    Please know that both of you are in my most loving thoughts and prayers daily.

    Love you both with all my heart!!

    Moma Solano

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  27. Cat,

    You are in my thoughts. I wish you and John all the luck and peace and goodness in the world. I'm so sorry.

    Krisha

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  28. My heart goes out to both Cat and John. I will pray for the strength Cat needs to endure this pain, and for John to know everlasting peace..as the Bible states, God will dry all your tears and take away all your pain.

    I'm sure John will be missed by many, a brave young man; even though I don't know him, he will be in my thoughts forever. May God bless both of them.

    Love, Mia Bixby's Mom

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  29. Cat,
    I will make this short, but I wanted you to know that everyone that has been with you during this process, either by reading the blog or in the room with you and John, is thinking and praying for you both. I pray that there comes a day of peace physically, mentally and emotionally for the both of you. I send my love and thoughts.

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  30. Accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior is not hard. We step out by faith...even with praying, "Jesus if you are real...". The Holy Spirit draws us and we can resist, or we can answer. Jesus said,"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in...". He draws us, but the clamor of the world often drowns out the invitation. Our minds are finite. Who can explain all the wonders of this world. No one can. Harry and I each, at very different times, asked to be forgiven and accepted Jesus as our savior. It was later, that we came to know and see Him working in our lives...in powerful ways. This world is a fallen world. Jesus is the answer. Satan is the enemy of the world. He wants to keep us lost and broken. It's because of him that we have disease and sorrow. My family has experienced many things that have shown the battle we are in is a spiritual battle. But the great good news and hope is that Jesus overcame the world and so can we. None of us are staying here. As Christians, we don't believe this is our "home". I know that many people have tuned out the message given here, because of "Christians" who have hurt them, or in their ignorance gave a terrible impression of "being a Christian". You know..."Well, if that's what being a Christian is, I don't want any part of that!" They are not Jesus. Judas was an apostle...but he was NOTHING like Jesus,as it turned out. But we follow and believe in Jesus...not a man. I have seen evil and I have felt the Holy Spirit's presence,and I have seen actual miracles. None of us are staying here. We are all going somewhere after here. I choose to go to heaven and be with those who I love who have gone before me. I can not tell you how strongly I believe this. If Harry or I could, we would trade places with you in a heartbeat. The MOST important thing we do in this life is to accept Jesus as our savior. I was told I might not live to raise my three young children. My prayer was that they would be saved by accepting Jesus. That was more important than them remembering me or having "things" or anything else. And they have all accepted Him. With most people there is a huge need to have the Lord change us gradually. You know, take away anger, pettiness, ego...etc. And He does change people. I have seen this, also. John, we have often talked about what a sweet spirit you have. Your smile, kindness, friendliness, good heart have always been so endearing. My great prayer has been that you come to understand the greatest gift and accept Jesus for who He is. I know that so many people are praying this prayer as well. I have never known anyone who has been so loved more deeply, by more people, than you, John. We love you!!!

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  31. Following your blog, I have been inspired and reminded to continue to fight through my own medical ordeal. I believe I have truly taken away so much from your words, but I would give it all back if a miracle could happen and John could get better.

    My constant prayers are with you both.

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  32. Dear Cat and John,
    I have never met you, but know of you through my daughter and son there in Orlando, who love you, and through this amazing journey of love, fear, pain, joy, and hope that you have so eloquently shared with all of us. I want you both to know that by sharing this season of your lives, you have touched so many, and in doing so have strengthened relationships, have caused us to appreciate our gifts, and inspired us to be kinder to others as a result. Thank you so much for that.

    The hope I have for you both now is that you will listen to what your friends are telling you about believing in God's grace, if you don't already. You are going to be together again, and while it is not for the few years we usually expect on Earth, it will be for all eternity - perfect and pain free! I am praying that you will find strength and peace in knowing this is possible.

    Thank you again and God bless you for all you do for so many.

    Mommie C.

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  33. Ashley McMinn Guidroz9/29/10, 11:19 PM

    You've so beautifully used your words to portray how much love you have for each other. I can only read and learn from you guys. Please know that you've touched us deeply.

    Our hearts go out to both of you as you share this precious time together. We are praying for God's blessings upon you and that he provides comfort for you.

    To one of my best childhood friends and her husband, Love you both!

    Ashley McMinn Guidroz

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  34. To the Goddards, their family & friends..I'm lifting you all up in prayer!..I just want to "ditto" the comment made by anonymous on 9/29/10 at 10:23pm.. Could have not said it any better myself.. God bless you all in this time of great trial..

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  35. Cat and John, you have both been so inspirational during this journey. Hold each other tightly now. Have faith in each other and know that you are loved by so many. All of our positive thoughts are directed at you both. Thank you for allowing all of us to share in your journey. John you are a beautiful and valliant warrior.

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  36. John had a purpose in life and it was to show us all what life is really about......I have never read something so sad, happy, inspirational, etc. I could go on for pages. Although this is so sad and no human should have to ever go through this, you two have taught so much to so many people. I for one have changed because of following you blog. Life is too short to worry about the small stuff and enjoy what you have and love. Love love love......If anything can help you in the long run it is to know that God put an angel on earth to teach many of us the real meaning of love and life. Thank you John for showing me this. Thank you Cat for showing me the true meaning of life, love and partnership. Please keep the blog going even after this......God be with you through everything and John will be with you forever.

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  37. Christian friend says,

    I just recently was reading your blog of the journey of your young husband with cancer, I can identify for I lost my parents to cancer and it is an ugly monster! Its a hard disease to watch a loved one suffer from, your right it takes your breath away when you see what it slowly does to them. What I noticed through your heart felt blog was something very significant to me,

    you never mentioned turning to God for prayers, our Lord Jesus Christ, you seem to only be deriving your strength from your husband, friends,doctors, nurses, caregivers, but never no mention of praying for your husband. You were married with the vows by the word of God to be joined as one by him and only he, God had the power to do that for you and your husband! Why do I not ever hear that you cried out to the Lord to be there for you and your husband, the Lord is the one that gave all the support people around you and your husband the knowledge, love, caring and skills to take care of him. I know when I lost each parent, I KNEW for the first time I was not going to live forever, were born, we live to find God, and we die and go to our maker, and also see our dear departed loved ones again or else all this was just in vain. I know my words may seem harsh to you at this time of sorrow, but their only meant to see that your life if it is God's Will for your husband to leave this earth early, that you realize like the other spiritual posts here that you continue on with your life on a quest of spiritual fulfillment in the Lord so you will develop a strength so strong as to always substain you through the rest of your path on this earth! If there are questions you do not understand they will be answered in the New Testament of the Bible. Believe when I say I will continue to pray that there will be a miracle healing for your young husband and I feel deeply for your pain and sorrow at this time in your life, believe too when I say I have lived alot longer life than you have right now and there is no better bestfriend you will have than Jesus, he wants to be there for you, if you call out to him its just that simple he will not turn away from you, but you do need to read your New Testament to know his word. Godbless you and your husband!

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  38. John and Cat, I have no words that you don't already know. I am so sorry to read this update. My heart is breaking with you right now. Please know that we are still praying with you and for you. God is the ultimate healer & the answer to all prayers. I will not give up this fight with you! I will continue to pray to God for your ultimate healing. Sending love your way.

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  39. Liz Dininger9/30/10, 12:18 PM

    John and Cat, I am John's cousin one of the Reeves family. I have been in contact with Susie through this whole tragedy. The whole Hergel and Goddard and Robbins family have been in all of my families prayers and still are. I pray for peace for you all. Cat I know we have never met, but I know you are an amazing woman and I truly look up to you and hope that you spend the time loving, laughing and holding on to eachother. Our love to you all. Liz

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  40. Adam told me about your bad news, and I just now read your blog. You have never needed Jesus more, and i want you to believe that. It's true. When I had cancer (20 years ago), I was already a Christian, but I came to know just how much Jesus loved me when I had cancer. One day, lying in my hospital bed, He gave me a vision of sitting on his lap. And when the pain or the nausea was bad, or when I was depressed, I retreated to Jesus and sat on his lap in a rocking chair that squeaked as he held me close. Only Jesus can give real comfort through the dark days ahead.
    Eternal life is a gift from God, and think how wonderful it would be to know that you WILL see each other again! But the gift, although it is free, has to be obtained by accepting Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord. Please, if you don't have a pastor, I can send one to talk to you about salvation.
    Adam has said that he knows no other couple who loves each other so deeply, and that is evident in your writings, Cat. Somewhere down the road, you should publish this blog as a book. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the last chapter was about knowing that you will be together again in Heaven.
    I'm sending my love to you both and to your families, as I know how hard it is to watch someone die from cancer. It's been 27 long years since my mother died, and the pain never really goes away, but some day, we shall see each other again. And I rejoice in that truth.
    Linda Deck

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  41. John will leave a legacy in this life. It's so evident how many people's lives he has touched in his young 27 years. You can see how much everyone that knows him adores and loves him. I know for me personally his strength and bravery during this time will stay with me for the rest of my life. This is such devastating news, I know everyone was hoping and praying for a different outcome. The interesting thing is as I have read your blog from the beginning until the last post, it's not the cancer that sticks in my mind, it's your love for each other. All of the posts talk about the cancer, but my focus always went back to your love for each other. The love you have shared in this short period of time is more than most people will experience in an entire lifetime. I'm so happy you have found each other. You both have been such an inspiration to everyone. You have shown everyone what it's like to love unconditionally, to cherish every moment, to always remember the importance of laughter, and most importantly to never take anything for granted. Thank you both so much for sharing your lives and this journey so openly with all of us. You both have given all of us such priceless gifts. I will continue to pray for you both. God bless.

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  42. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hugs! I can only imagine what it's like, but I'm still sending you all my best thoughts of comfort.

    Thinking of you and yours. More internet hugs!

    Kat (Mia's friend)

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  43. Dearest John and Cat,

    You and John have brought both inspiration and hope to me. I pray for you and your family, and will continue to pray and pray. I have to be honest, I have avoided reading your blogs until today, because sometimes it is easier to try to forget and avoid the pain. I am a co-worker of yours at another location, and am facing the same trials and tribulations with my father. You both have reminded me how beautiful this sick disease is??? Strange how such a tragic thing, can bring out the most beautiful things How important every single moment of the day, every word, action, breath is...Thank You John and Cat God Bless You! JM

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  44. I am not sure how I came across this blog, but as I read I couldn't help but find myself crying with you it seemed. I am truly sorry that you both have to go through all of this. A lot of people are going to give you the everything happens for a reason talk, and some will say these things are just meant to be. I have lost a mother-in-law, a grandfather, and more recently an uncle to cancer. It is not supposed to be easy. All I can say is through your words, I felt the love you both share. That is the part that stays with you forever. Cherish that, and enjoy that. My uncle told me before he passed that he lived well because he loved well, it is one of the most profound sentences I had ever heard. I wish that you both can say that as well.

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  45. John and Cat,

    As the Nurse Practitioner that was in the room with you guys as the oncologist spoke, my heart also broke. I have only know you for a short time but you mean so much to me. It was an honor and privilege to care for John while he was in the hospital. Cat, you're amazing. Your love and support of your husband, during this time, was such a testimony to the true meaning of marriage.

    You guys are so special. Seeing John's occasional smile is what I think about. I am here for you. Thank you so much for allowing me to care for you all during this difficult journey. You are continually in my thoughts and prayers.

    Much love,
    Kristina Baringer ARNP

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  46. I have not seen "little john" as we called him in over 15 years probably and am sitting here in tears reading this. I remember him as a fun loving good kid playing football and running around playing with my sister natalie, mikey across the street and my brothers jeremy and jason. Always a happy go lucky boy with a smile on his face...and it seems that smile and happiness and good nature has stayed with him. I am so sad that this has happened to an amazing person..and am glad that he has an amazing wife by his side through this. My thought and prayers are with little john and you as you stay strong by his side.

    Stephanie

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