Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Just breathe in and take a minute to really feel every part of your body change and take in the sweet taste of air. Fresh air. Blink. Open your eyes and really appreciate every color. Every movement. Every smile. Just a simple smile. Listen. Voices you hear that sound like sweet music. The smile you can hear on the other end of a phone. Through the struggle, through the fight, I take in these things and realize there is so much more to life than what is before us. My angel. My love. My husband. I wrote a blog months ago how everything looked different. I do not think this is true anymore…everything does not look different, but now clear. Clarity is a beautiful thing when you share it with a partner who understands the meaning of light and truth.
The past few days have been amazing. Maybe amazing is not a profound enough word to describe my feelings. John has been eating…not just eating little snacks here and there, but full meals and actually having cravings again. The other night we went to sushi (his idea to take my mom out to say thank you for all she has done for us) and he ate more than I did. Slowly but surely, he ate his meal. With a smile on his face, he continually answered “Yes baby” the 382 times I asked him “Are you okay?” This was his first time out of the house, eating, and sitting up and out of the bedroom in a number of weeks. I was so proud. He did it again on Saturday night with my brother in town and looked stronger than I have seen him since he was first diagnosed. It has been some of the most overwhelming celebrations we have had in a few months and we will ride this into his next round of chemotherapy.
There are moments of being broken. I think we have to allow ourselves to feel our emotions. Reality has a way of setting in from time to time. It is how we take this reality, let ourselves really feel it to our cores, and talk about it. I am the most optimistic person about our every day together, but again, we are allowed to feel how hard this is at times. It never leaves a bad taste in our mouth…it is part of our daily routines now. Release. Send it out. No matter what the day, no matter if we cannot sleep at night when we are the most exhausted, even if we think we no longer have the strength, we release and move on. John’s first post is a constant reminder of how lucky I am. I read it every single day. His beautiful words are like music to my ears. All the beautiful things he wrote about me have been said to me daily. It feels different to see it written down for everyone to read and share in our emotions. The most beautiful words were written the other day by my husband, my soul mate. The man of so little words ripped open his heart and let everyone see them in their rawest form. I broke down as I read his sweet words and did not come to any new realization of his love…but rather his strength and for this, I cannot thank him enough. I am more than thankful for his fight for me though and I know we will continue together just the same. He can be at ease in the arms of this woman always. There seems to be a new doorway to walk through every week…this last one was of stability and happiness. The 6th starts the second round of chemotherapy and we will go into it with great spirits because of the incredible days we have been having with our family and friends cheering us on.
It has been a great blessing to have my mom here the past month and my brother here this holiday weekend. I am so thankful to have their smiling faces around along with their great energy. We will soon see John’s mom and I know she will bring the same positivity. Thanks again for all the wonderful support from everyone.