The chemo inside is breaking down…I continually feel better faster and stronger after each chemo treatment. My goal when feeling good for the 2 week break is to put on as much weight as possible. The 2 main killers of patients with cancer are weight loss and infection. I already fought off the first infection and now I must fight the harder, slower moving attacker, weight loss. With the way I feel now, there is no end in sight. I feel I am going to win and soon the cancer will be out of my body, confirming chemo did exactly as it was supposed to do. Every day I am reminded of why I am fighting for my life and why I chose the tougher path. Sitting at home…lying on the couch…while my wife is at the grocery store and then when she gets home she has to put away the groceries on her own and that is not acceptable. These are things we are supposed to be doing together and for the past 3 years we have done them together. Now I begin to cry while looking at her doing these tasks without me. My life has come to being able to accomplish tasks as my energy will allow. The crying and tears give me the strength and drive to continue to fight and kill this bitch inside of me. It doesn’t know whose body it entered and it will be killed and never brought back. A small task I would never allow my wife to do on her own, such as stock the pantry with the groceries is out of my reach. The thought of her doing these tasks, as well as all others without me for the rest of her life, is not an option. I cannot allow it. I will be right with her every step of the way. Leaving prematurely is no longer in my thought pattern. My thoughts are now “what are we doing to kill this bitch inside of me, how long is it going to take, and when will my life be back to normal?” Definition of normal: I wake up and kiss my wife good morning as we both rise out of bed to take on the day. We return from work to our home, enjoying every minute together, cooking dinner, laughing, loving, doing everything in our power to enjoy life and enjoy ourselves. These days are ahead of me, down the road, long term. Short term I am attacking my inside poisons, making them as scared as possible.


1 comment:

  1. Glad to hear that fight in your words!! We all know how much Cat has fought for you and has believed that this disease called cancer will be defeated but it is up to you to put up the biggest battle ever. Your words tell us you are fighting. Being sad is normal but Do Not Give Up!! Continue to keep that image of normal in sight and you will be there. Soon.