love/hate...

Chemotherapy, round two, started Tuesday. Monday was a holiday and the dosage was upped this week since it is a total of four days rather than the full five. I have found this love/hate relationship with chemo though. I have found a love for chemo because on top of the positive thinking, energy and our love, I do believe it has helped with his healing. My hate for chemo seems to run deep right now. I hate how it makes him feel daily…the struggle of nausea, the migraines, and just feeling depleted and utterly exhausted takes a toll on a person. I know it is supposed to clear up his cancer…especially with all the spreading that occurred while going through radiation…but at the same time, it is why I have a love for the treatment. I understand the good it is trying to do for him, but I hate what it does to him. Not only does it kill off the “bad” cells but also takes the “good” ones with it. His restlessness is evident and he keeps putting his head in his hands in frustration. “I hope I feel good again next week,” he says with hope in his voice. It is like he is pleading with his own body to follow his orders. With all of this, round two ends tomorrow. For the obvious less one day, it has gone by incredibly fast this go round. Because of his strength going into it this time, he is eating a little here and there…with minimal vomiting. All pluses in our eyes. We hope next week, he gets more testing done so we can then see the progression of the treatment and the disappearance of the cancer. I feel it to my core…he is getting better. He is better. With 6 pounds gained last week, we hope to maintain his weight this week and gain even more in the days to follow.

So we continue…with chemo in tow. So dearest chemo…I challenge you. Do your job and we will continue to do ours. We will never stop and will always keep up our end of the bargain. We will continue to love each other, fight this cancer and we will hold you to that. Don’t you worry…we have doctors to check on your progress so you cannot lie to us because we will know. Do you feel us working with you? We are…and we are not even close to giving up or getting tired...and neither are our family and friends.