The tumor is rearing its ugly head. John even said himself he can feel it pushing out on his chest from time to time. It seems to get more and more annoyed as we continue through treatment and try to kill off its blistering hold it has on his midsection. The radiologist said the radiation was going to evolve and make him feel worse toward the end of treatment but it does not mean the cancer is winning. We are hoping that is it…just the radiation. Just a week ago he was able to eat at least twice a day and now, it has turned into one Ensure a day through his feeding tube. He keeps telling me he is trying with frustration in his voice because I know all he wants to do is get better and for the pain to just end. His weight is very important and we have to maintain it as much as we can. We found out this week he is now down to 189. 189 is probably the “average/normal” weight for a man his height but to me and everyone else, John has always been a muscular, thick built man…189 is an anomaly. I want to try everything just to get him comfortable and to get something in his stomach, but the nausea always takes over and can, at times, be debilitating.
Since we found out almost two months ago, John and I have been talking almost every day about our beautiful past together. This on top of everything else we have to talk about seems to cure the sadness of the day. We laugh and joke about the journey we have had from the first time we met to where we are today. We laugh at the times we had with friends in college and how much we loved our first little place together in Nashville. We are very fortunate to have such a great relationship. We have never had a big fight and we have hit rock bottom together a few times…this making us stronger as one. This part, like many others, will just be a memory. One we can look back on and maybe not laugh like we do the others, but remember. I cannot say this enough…my husband is incredible. I cannot even begin to imagine what he feels everyday and every single sleepless night. Yes, I am up with him every time, but he literally does not sleep anticipating the next nauseating removal.
With the tumor fighting back, he fights back even harder. He is my hero…funny thing is…he has always been my hero. This fight just reminds me of that even more so, every single day.