the weekend...

There is no separation in our days anymore. They all run together and to differentiate between weekdays and weekends are nonexistent. The title should be “the past few days” but since the rest of the world is on a schedule…I will try to be as well. Weekends mean family and friends are around more often and we do not have to think about appointments for a little while. Draining his chest fluid and keeping the leaking under control were what consumed the other parts of our days…just like any other day. John’s breathing is starting to get erratic. When he would get up and get a drink of water, I noticed his breathing was heavier in the past…now even in rest, it has gotten worse. I constantly offer the oxygen sitting in the next room to bring him some sort of comfort and he always refused…until today. “It is uncomfortable…I don’t want it,” he would reply. The tubes sat awkwardly in his nose at the hospital but we still tried here. He finally gave in today and we hooked it up next to his bedside. Right now, it is whatever John wants or wishes to do. I feel bad offering as much as I do because I know he wants to keep his sense of independence and know he can still do things for himself. It is becoming less and less of him putting up a fight and saying he can do it on his own…because he cannot anymore. He still tries…and I am still learning to have those boundaries of letting him try. Yesterday was a good, relaxing day for the two of us. I went and ran some errands with the girls in the area and John stayed up the entire day watching football here at home. I missed him every second. Just being away from him those few hours was difficult but at the same time, he pushed me to get out of the house. We reconvened in our bedroom last night and talked about how much we missed each other for those few short hours we were apart. It is hard not to when we spend every second of the day together.

Today was an extremely difficult day. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions. John and I went to his regularly scheduled Monday morning appointment to check how his hemoglobin was faring since the blood transfusion the week before. We got the good news that afternoon letting us know he was holding strong at 11.1. We had discussed over the weekend to go look at funeral homes together because he wanted to be a part of that journey…understandably so. Wouldn’t you want to be? As we started our walk up to the door of the first home, we held hands for strength…both emotionally and physically. He has been having a hard time walking without holding on to something/someone for balance lately, so I was mindful of that. We got to the front door…I had one hand and his other had the railing…and I let go….for one second…I let go to open the door. I hear him desperately say my name and I turn around to find him falling backwards. I quickly reached out for him but was not fast enough…my heart began to race as I knelt down next to him on the ground…cringing in pain. He fell. I let go of him and he in turn released the railing and fell. I kept asking him if he needed an ambulance as he fell incredibly hard on his tail bone and hit his head the rest of the way down. I felt and still feel responsible/terrible. I got him into the car to start making our way to the ER and John refused to go. He said he was fine and did not need to go…he just wanted to go back home. I got him in bed, sitting up against a few pillows, and made sure not to let him sleep…or if he did, wake him up every few minutes. My mind was a mess…I could not believe what happened today and thank goodness, John is okay. We are both emotionally beat down after today…anticipating the funeral arrangements and then the fall…it took a lot out of us…a lot out of him…he has the strength of a million men…to go what he is going through and still have his tenacity is unreal to be a part of. I think we both cried more today than we have since arriving here in Indiana. It has been gut wrenching. Though we cried a lot today…we kissed and hugged even more. In the midst of our tears, John would grab my cheeks and kiss me…or our foreheads would meet and we would lean in for a kiss…or our hands would touch and we would embrace one another. Today was painful, but those things and embraces from Megan and Susie made it hurt less.

Today is the first day of November and that means John’s 28^th birthday is Thursday. What to get for the perfect man? I have no idea…every time anyone asks, he replies, “Nothing.” I just want to give him the world…give him anything to keep him with me, his hurting family and damaged friends….hold him to make all hurt go away…my angel. 28 on November 4…November 4, 1982 is the day of his birth and the best day in the history of the world…that was the day John was born…from there, he took the trail that led him to me…and for that, I am forever grateful.