How do I sum up the thoughts and emotions of the last 6 days? We both seemed to have fallen on our faces incredibly hard this week. After the news of Monday and the draining realization of what he has to endure next, there seemed to be no other way to go but up from that day. Up did not come about. Even further down seemed to have happened. We have been the most optimistic duo since we were brought together years prior and even more so since the diagnosis over three months ago, but something was different. I really do think we are allowed to have these lower feelings because “harder” and “more difficult” times were inevitable. It had to hit us in the face sometime. This realization is not one of defeat but one of feeling period. It has been emotional from the beginning, but we really had a huge rush overcome us this week. We really felt how this cancer is a part of our lives.
I went to yoga a few times this week and it was the much needed release I was yearning for on top of my writing. Before one practice in particular, words weighed heavy on my heart…in a good way. “It is human nature to want to control everything…and this is something you cannot control,” a beautiful voice said to me that morning. She was right. For something we cannot control and that does not have a face, we seem to be staring it down in opposition every second of the day. It is a daily battle. My favorite part of every yoga class is the beginning and this morning was no different. We were told to stand up, breathe, release, and picture who/what you were going to dedicate your practice to that morning. It has always been John but this time it was even more evident. My eyes closed, I saw my husband’s face and big, blue eyes dancing in my mind…and I lost it. With this seemingly impossible week we both endured behind us, I realized now more than ever, why I personally was fighting. It was for my husband…yes, it was always for John and for our future together, but it was also for every embrace we have yet to share, for every tear of joy we haven’t shed, and for that pitter patter of little feet we have yet to hear. That is why my head was a jumbled mess this past week because of falling so hard, hand in hand with John, but it turned right around this past weekend. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying the difficulty is behind us, but slowly we are still rapping our heads around what is happening and slowly we are getting stronger…together.
With all of these emotions we shared this past week came the anticipation of his chemotherapy regimen he has to continue starting tomorrow. It will be five full days of treatment, nonstop, running through his veins. He had to do one day a week along with radiation just a few short weeks ago and this time it will be five. I know this has been weighing heavily on his mind and we had talked about how much harder this will be than the first go around. “I am getting pumped full of poison,” he said today. With both our lower lips quivering through the discussion, we held each other’s hand and knew there are no right words for each other at that point…only actions of touch and feelings of love is what seems to comfort us in the moment. I continue to be amazed and proud of John…he has never stopped knowing he will overcome even through the sadness and bad news we received last week. Tomorrow I will be by his side just like I have always been and I know everyone will be there with us in spirit as well…and for that, we are so thankful.