my first post...

You will notice a different writing style in this post. I have decided to give you faithful readers and followers some of my words and break the silence. I do not have the writing skills my wife has but I will try my best. I want to first say thank you to so many people. Everyone who has made donations to help with my medical bills. Everyone who has donated their time by visiting not only once, but multiple times. Everyone who has sent cards and well wishes. There are too many to thank individually.

One person does stand out and is the reason I am writing this for everyone to read. I can’t explain how special she is and how much she means to me. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Without her this would all be over, I would already be dead or would have given up. She has done more for me than I could ever imagine. She is there in the bad days and there in the not so bad days. It is hard to say any day is good, but some are easier than others. Cat is there for me when we are crying together for hours and she is there for me when we are laughing and joking. She never leaves my side no matter how bad I look. I don’t understand how she does it. I say thank you probably 20 times a day to her and everyday she tells me I don’t have to say thank you. I just wish I could explain to her how much she means to me. Baby love, you mean more to me than you will ever know and more than I could ever express in words. Thank you for everything that you do.

Recently I was asked by someone very close to me, “how come you are doing this to yourself?” The question means how come I am poisoning my body and making myself sick for an entire week when the prognosis is still just as bad. Well I was given 6 months to live without any treatment at all. No radiation and no chemo I would be dead by September/October. With treatment I could live up to 1 or 2 years. There is no way to tell. Now I have more prescriptions and pill bottles than I have ever seen in my life. I am losing hair off my body from the chemo. Radiation made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. The headaches have started because I think the cancer has started spreading north. All of this makes everyday difficult. I have lost all the muscle in my body and am now down to 152 pounds. I started March 8th when I was diagnosed at 210 pounds. No muscle and the nausea makes everyday hard. I know I am supposed to be positive and everyone keeps saying to keep a positive attitude. I am explaining these negative details to emphasize why I am doing this to myself, why I am poisoning myself and putting myself through all this at the hope of living another 6 months. The whole reason is because of my wife. I love her more than anything in this world. I never thought I would meet someone so special and so perfect. To those of you that have not met your special person in life yet, keep looking, that person is out there. I truly believe there is one other person out there for all of us. To those of you that have found that one person I hope you are as happy as Cat and I. She and I have never had a fight. We tell each other everyday, I love you. Ever since the first day we have been together we never lost focus on what is most important in life, each other. She is the reason I fight everyday. She is the reason I put myself through this. If I have to put myself through hell for 6 months just to have my life extended by one day, it is all worth it. Because I know that one more day is going to be with her. I will get to experience a love and connection for that one day most can only dream about.

I hope this helps describe a little about what I am going through and why I am going through it. It helps a little to put my thoughts down and not keep them inside all of the time.