6.29.2010

my first post...

You will notice a different writing style in this post. I have decided to give you faithful readers and followers some of my words and break the silence. I do not have the writing skills my wife has but I will try my best. I want to first say thank you to so many people. Everyone who has made donations to help with my medical bills. Everyone who has donated their time by visiting not only once, but multiple times. Everyone who has sent cards and well wishes. There are too many to thank individually.

One person does stand out and is the reason I am writing this for everyone to read. I can’t explain how special she is and how much she means to me. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. Without her this would all be over, I would already be dead or would have given up. She has done more for me than I could ever imagine. She is there in the bad days and there in the not so bad days. It is hard to say any day is good, but some are easier than others. Cat is there for me when we are crying together for hours and she is there for me when we are laughing and joking. She never leaves my side no matter how bad I look. I don’t understand how she does it. I say thank you probably 20 times a day to her and everyday she tells me I don’t have to say thank you. I just wish I could explain to her how much she means to me. Baby love, you mean more to me than you will ever know and more than I could ever express in words. Thank you for everything that you do.

Recently I was asked by someone very close to me, “how come you are doing this to yourself?” The question means how come I am poisoning my body and making myself sick for an entire week when the prognosis is still just as bad. Well I was given 6 months to live without any treatment at all. No radiation and no chemo I would be dead by September/October. With treatment I could live up to 1 or 2 years. There is no way to tell. Now I have more prescriptions and pill bottles than I have ever seen in my life. I am losing hair off my body from the chemo. Radiation made me feel worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. The headaches have started because I think the cancer has started spreading north. All of this makes everyday difficult. I have lost all the muscle in my body and am now down to 152 pounds. I started March 8th when I was diagnosed at 210 pounds. No muscle and the nausea makes everyday hard. I know I am supposed to be positive and everyone keeps saying to keep a positive attitude. I am explaining these negative details to emphasize why I am doing this to myself, why I am poisoning myself and putting myself through all this at the hope of living another 6 months. The whole reason is because of my wife. I love her more than anything in this world. I never thought I would meet someone so special and so perfect. To those of you that have not met your special person in life yet, keep looking, that person is out there. I truly believe there is one other person out there for all of us. To those of you that have found that one person I hope you are as happy as Cat and I. She and I have never had a fight. We tell each other everyday, I love you. Ever since the first day we have been together we never lost focus on what is most important in life, each other. She is the reason I fight everyday. She is the reason I put myself through this. If I have to put myself through hell for 6 months just to have my life extended by one day, it is all worth it. Because I know that one more day is going to be with her. I will get to experience a love and connection for that one day most can only dream about.

I hope this helps describe a little about what I am going through and why I am going through it. It helps a little to put my thoughts down and not keep them inside all of the time.

11 comments:

  1. Thank you, John, for letting us into your life! We are all here for you my friend! You're one hell of a fighter, there's no doubt about that!

    "You walk by faith, not by sight. Faith is the flower of light in the field of darkness that's giving me the strength to carry on."

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  2. Christopher Howe6/29/10, 7:58 PM

    Thanks John for sharing and for reminding me what it means to love a woman so deeply.

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  3. You guys amaze me. I am so glad that you found eachother and that your love is growing more and more, even with these circumstances. I have told Cat a few times that she is the reason you are fighting and she is what keeps you going. I am so appreciative of that. I love you both, more than you know!

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  4. Renee Dolezal6/29/10, 8:32 PM

    John and Cat im praying for you both and I just would like to express my feelings...you both are so strong. I pray that this cancer clears up and lets you guys grow old togther. Hearing your story only makes me become closer to my husband and cherish every breath I have left in me. Keep your head up!

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  5. Everyone one says things happen for a reason and sometimes we dont understand but your writing today made me understand why steve had to get sick. Now I know now, so you and cat could meet, and besides that we knew you were going to be solemates when you bought her out of in between that night for 60.00, that was true love. love you guys Aunt Gail

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  6. I love you both so much. Aunt Gail is right. Cat honey I know I do not keep secerts but I know you are so glad I told John you thought he was hot! I know I do tell both of you I love you everyday but like you said you are thankful for John & I am gratefull for John it only got because I have a daughter in law that is the best. Mom

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  7. This was great to read; Thanks John for sharing your heart, it is great to hear you talk about your true love. Keep up the good fight for you and your true love.

    Daniel H

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  8. John I speak with Cat every day... Just about I'm one of her proud students as well I feel we have connected I see just thru a computer, emails and chats how special she is.. Never giving up.. John don't stop fighting cause you will pull thru You have the most wonderful wife and she is so inspiring no matter what one is experiencing.. I pray for ya'll both more than you know.. Please continue what you're doing... Bless you and Cat ALWAYS!

    Nikki

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  9. John,

    I have never met you and I have only met your wife once or twice so respectfully take my personal posting as a collage of perspectives from within our integrated circle of friends.

    John, you are amazing. You have given so many people, including myself, hope and reason to search for a new set of glasses to see the world through with the transparency these postings provide us. I cannot begin to imagine the struggles, trials and tribulations you encounter daily. However, the strength, unity and pure, unfiltered love you share for one another is something that is genuinely felt here, over 1000 miles away. While we have never met and potentially never will, I want you to know that you have a friend and admirer in Chicago. The both of you are great people and again, I admire you both.

    Stay strong John.
    Scott

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  10. You both are an inspiration to Kristen and I. It's the little moments with the one you love that most that make life amazing and your words make me want to embrace every moment I have with her. Thanks for sharing and you both should know that you have tons of people out here that love you and look up to you.

    -Trevor

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  11. You just made me tear up John.
    You guys seriously are amazing to me. You are my hero man. The love you two feel for each other and the reason for your pain for her love makes me cry and smile at the same time.
    Love you bro. Keep up the good fight.

    -Chero

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