12.22.2010

father and son...

There are no words. At this point, what can I say? Emptiness, hurt, tears, fear, doubts…life. This is where I stand right now…as an onlooker to those who hurt just as much if not more than myself. Big John passed away exactly one month and one week after his son, my husband John passed away. Cancer…I hate you…I do not want to give you more than those three words because you do not even deserve a second thought much less the vibrations coming from my mouth. You hurt a sister and daughter in Megan, a wife in Vicki and myself, a mother in Susie, and a slew of other people who would smother you the second they had the chance. How dare you?

With Christmas right around the corner, we are all on eggshells. How are we going to make it through this day? Dear God, how are we going to do this as a family and try to remember without feeling so much pain? This is all a process, we all know that…but it all feels too soon. We were not done mourning John and his father soon followed after. It is almost as if they knew…and they needed to be together again in heaven among angels where there would not be an ounce of pain. There is no doubt in my mind that John came to get his father that day….and even days prior to let him know. As if he were saying, “I have everything ready for you dad…it is time.” We all miss the two of them more than anything and there is not a second that goes by that they are not thought of, talked about, or mourned for. There are no more words to describe what things are like right now…there just are none. I have said this a million times and I will continue to do so…send your sweet love…send it with all your might and without regret to my amazing sister in law. She has lost two incredible men in her life in such a short time. Send it to sweet Vicki, Big John’s wife also…it is as if I am looking in a mirror when I talk to her about everything.

Realize right now, in this moment, to be grateful in this holiday season. Yes, sure…you might have your own inner battles and outer turmoil, but know tomorrow might be harder than the day before and if you love without boundaries…the struggle will all be worth it in the end.

We all love and miss you both…more than anyone can ever express into words.

30 comments:

  1. Cat, you always bring tears to my eyes. I'm heart broken for your loss - again. It's too soon and so unfair. I'm thinking of you always. I love you.

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  2. Cat, I found your blog through Kelly Stamps. My heart hurts for you. Stay strong...sending so many prayers to your and your family.

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  3. Cat, I also found your blog through Kelly Stamps. May the Lord wrap His arms around you and help you through this awful time. My heart aches for you, and I will be praying for your family.

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  4. Cat, I too found your blog through Kelly Stamps. Words will never be able to express how hurt I am for you. Know that I will be praying for your family. We may be strangers but we are sisters in Christ.

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  5. Hi Cat, I too found your blog through Kelly. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I am loosing my aunt to cancer. Not only is she my aunt, but a mother of two young boys. I admire your strength, courage, and truth. I am praying for you and your family. God bless. {{hug}}

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  6. I too, found your blog through Kelly. SOOOO sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and prayers your way. May God be with you during this horrible time.

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  7. My heart aches for you. There are no words that I can say to you that can make this any easier. God Bless you and your family. I am sending up prayers for you.

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  8. Found your blog today through Kelly's Korner. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I wish you were not in the position you are. Know that I am lifting you and your family up in prayers. God is good and he will comfort you! Please let me know if there is anything I can do...

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  9. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. I can NOT begin to imagine what you're having to go through. I can pray for you though. And I will.

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  10. Hi there, I found your blog through Kelly's Korner as well. I want to say that I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. I too am familiar with the devastation that cancer can cause, and my heart just completely breaks for you. I pray that the memories of your two loved ones help carry you through the holidays.

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  11. I have been reading your blog with tears flowing down my face. My heart breaks for you and your family. NO ONE should have to go through this. You are in my prayers. I simply cannot imagine what you are going through. Hold on tight to your memories of them both, cancer cannot take those from you.

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  12. i found your blog through kelly stamps. i know this might not seem like much coming from a 16 year old, but i am praying for you and truly sorry for your loss. i'm thinking about you and your family.

    andrea.

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  13. cat, i read your entire blog today. my heart goes out to you. you are an inspiration to me. thank you so much. in the several hours it had taken me to make my way through your blog, tears and all, i need to thank you so much. your journey is an inspiration to me. you and john have inspired me to stop taking things for granted. i can't say enough to you, i can barely compose a sentence. all i can say is thank you. we do not know each other, but i will be thinking about you and hoping you are doing well during this time.

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  14. I am praying for your family. I lost my father on 22 dec 1998 and I remember how hard it is to look around at people rushing around thinking that buying the perfect gift is the most important thing in the world when you are experiencing such a loss. I pray that God wraps his arms around you during this difficult time. Praying for peace.

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  15. Cat, I read about the prayer request that Kelly Stamps' posted on her blog. I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Please know that I'm praying for you and your family.

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  16. I found you through facebook and also through Kelly. I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine your pain. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.

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  17. Cat, I found your blog through Kelly's prayer request. My heart aches for all the pain your family is enduring. I am praying for you all to have some comfort and peace through this difficult time.

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  18. I am just sobbing...I found you through Kelly as well -- Your life sure puts mine in perspective, oh my gosh, the things we take for granted and whine about...I kissed my children and husband so many times after reading your story...thank you for having the courage to post it. Thank you for standing by your husband when a lot of wives might give up. I am SO sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through. You have been lifted up in prayer many times today. You and your family...Lord Jesus...wrap them in Your arms Lord...I pray Your Will is done.

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  19. I too found your blog through Kelly. I just spent the last few hours reading about your journey and crying my eyes out. I will be praying for you and your entire family. My heart goes out to you today and in the days to come. I wish that I had some words of comfort. Thank you for this blog. Reading it made me hold my husband and sons a little longer tonight and reminded me to be grateful for every breath we take. Thank you for sharing such a private, personal journey with me. You are in my prayers.

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  20. I found you through Kelly, as well. I don't even know what to say or where to begin. Please just know that I'm thinking of you and your family. And, I'm praying. My thoughts are with everyone involved...God bless you!

    {{HUGS}}

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  21. Cat, I also found your blog through Kelly Stamps. I'm praying for you and lifting you up.

    Cxx

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  22. Like so many others, I found your blog through Kelly. With tears and a heavy heart, I read the words you've written with so much honesty. Last night was a restless night as it seems God wanted me to be in a great amount of prayer for you. So that's what I did through the many sleepless hours... cried out to God for you and your family. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through and the many waves of emotion that you must feel with every ounce of your being. There is One who does know what it is to grieve, to cry, to be angry, lonely, etc. because he felt those emotions here on earth. The Bible says that Jesus is now sitting on the right hand of God interceding on our behalf (romans 8:34). He can do so because He KNOWS and He cares for you and, even though I don't know you, so do I. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). Will keep you close in my prayers, Cat, through this difficult holiday season and in the months to come.

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  23. I too was sent here by Kelly.

    I am praying for you and for God to lift you up and hold you and John's family in his arms and diminish some of the deep hurt. I cannot even imagine to shear devastation you all must be going thru.

    Just know that I too am praying rigorously for you. God's plan is not always what we hoped it to be and certainly is often hard to understand.

    I pray for you and the strength you need for each day.

    Much love...

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  24. There are no words.

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  25. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. I am praying for you and your family.

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  26. I hate you, cancer....

    There is a tremendous whole left in my heart after reading this. I am grateful every day for the loved ones around me and I am thankful that I can be home for Christmas to spend time with those who are closest to my heart.

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I'm terribly sorry for the loss's you've suffered through this battle. I pray for a cure and I pray for one fast, we've lost too many good people thus far. May John and his Father live happily in heaven together, amongst all of our Angels

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  27. Cat~
    I am so sorry for your loss!! Cancer sucks!! My father passed away in October from esophageal cancer, and it is just an awful disease! I am so sorry for your pain, and the hole that is left in your heart, as a piece of me died the day my sweet daddy died! If you ever need someone to talk with, please email me!
    Wendi
    rwcroush@aol.com

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  28. Cat, I'm still praying for you and also Megan and Vicki and the rest of your family. May you feel the Lord's presence every minute of every day.

    With love in Christ,

    Denise R. from Texas

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  29. Praying for you and your entire family! Thank you for opening up your life. You have touched so many people through your blog.

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  30. I have nothing unique to say but I hope there is some comfort for you in the number of people praying for you and your family. I've spent the last hour or so reading over your past entries and my heart is breaking for you. Thank you for your kind spirit and reminding me not to take my family for granted. Its amazing the perspective your story has given me.

    It is obvious you had a love unlike many people ever experience. May God hold you near to Him during this time... I pray he comforts you and wipes away your tears.

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