12.12.2010

one month...

Today is the one month mark. Exactly one month ago at 6:17 in the morning, John took his final breath. I close my eyes every day and picture that final moment. There is not an instant that drifts by that I do not think of my sweet husband and how thankful I am that I was right next to him for those final moments…holding his hand and him holding my heart. He still has my heart and I miss him more today than I did yesterday. Today may mark the one month anniversary of his passing, but I can say within this month, I stand stronger with every passing minute. There is nothing easy about what is happening…going from having someone telling you they adore you and think the world of you several times a day to absolute silence can be jolting. It makes you question your self-worth and more than anything, I miss telling him those same things. Silence is something I will have to get used to for a while and it is something I will take in stride.

Every 12th of each month will be difficult for awhile and I am thankful for the patience of my family and friends. John continuously comes up in conversation because there are always little things reminding me of him…so naturally, I want to talk about him and little memories we shared. Again, everyone is showing great tolerance. Also, in this month, adjustments have been made to my routine. I have spent the last 8 months taking care of someone else and now, it all seems empty. I am no longer a caregiver and I am lost. Soon, I will find myself again and regain control of my life…everything is a process and a journey I am prepared to take with expectant and natural bumps along the way.

I miss you John.


12 comments:

  1. I adore you, and think of you every day, and John always....

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  2. I realize you don't know me and I only know you through this blog which I honestly can't remember how I found but please know you are in my prayers. As I drove home from a long day of work last night I thought of the two of you. Praying for your a peace that is beyond understanding. With Joy, Carey

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  3. You are in my prayers, and I am wishing you love and strength daily, Cat.

    xoxo
    Lacey

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  4. My dear daughter...We are here to support you to love you on your little steps...you are more than a mother can ask for exceding all expectations of strength tenacity dedication most of all LOVE!!!!
    mom

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  5. "Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. " - I saw this quote and thought about you two the other day. I think of you guys often and pray you are finding the strength each day. <3

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  6. Natalie Scott12/13/10, 2:56 PM

    Your strength and gracious soul are inspiring to so many people, some you have never even met. I love you ;)

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  7. Oh sweet Cat. My last post sounded "Debby Downer" and I am not. When I think of you, I think of a sparkly, shiny star. And I will always remember John's "happy eyes". When we saw you both before you left for Indy, you were both awe inspiring and John still had his "happy eyes". Losing our Geoffy hurts every day and it has been nearly three years. But the others on this blog are correct. You WILL feel better. You WILL hurt less. More than anything, you will make a huge difference in this world. You already have. You are my inspiration. And cancer sucks.We love you Cat.

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  8. My mother died at 8:30 on a Thursday evening, when I would normally have been at our church's choir practice. For weeks I could not return to choir practice because the day and time were indelibly stamped in my mind, and I was at home crying. Now (after 27 years) I only "observe" the yearly anniversary, still with tears. For a while I thought I might be crazy, but I've come to think that I just loved her so much, and I grieved the fact that I wasn't done loving her. I finally came to terms with loving her from here. The pain doesn't go away, but it does lessen. Remembering helps. Also, I find myself trying to give back to the world those things that my mother did for others, so that the world is not missing her special qualities; while my soul is bereft, the world (I hope)is not. We continue to pray for you, dear Cat, and think of you often, especially now in the Christmas season. My God give you peace.
    Adam's mom, Linda Deck

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  9. Hey Cat, you're great for continuing to share these difficult moments. Keep building your strength off of the positivity you and John shared. Even though he is gone now his memory still lives on and you're a constant reminder of how great of a person he was.

    I hope you got my card and I hope it helped, even if in the smallest way.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. I hope you continue to keep writing. Your blog is an inspiration to so many people, myself included. You are so strong even if it doesn't always feel that way. What you have gone through puts things in my life in perspective. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life and don't want to but you have shown all of us how to be an amazing caregiver, wife and friend.

    Thank you for sharing so much. God bless.

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  11. Your words have touched the hearts of so many Cat, and we are all in awe of your continued strength we read about in your posts. Below are some comments from friends of mine with whom I have shared your blog. We are all lifting you and your family up in our prayers!

    ~From Amy W.~ I just wanted you to know that I have been following her blog. I tried to leave a comment but I wasn't able to for some reason. Please let her know that I have been praying for her and her family here in Texas.
    Happy Holidays!
    ~From Sarah S.~ I just read the blog and even though I don't know this woman, I ache for her. So sad.
    ~From Sandy C.~ Lorissa, I began to read this blog and just can't continue. I am so flooded with emotion and sorrow. I can only imagine her agony. How we must chersih our days with friends and family and love with all our hearts! My prayers are surrounding she and her family.

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  12. Cat, I am not quite sure how I stumbled upon your blog but my heart aches for you and your family. I ended up going all the way to the beginning of your blog in 2009 and read each and every post. My heart hurts, I am an oncology nurse and deal with cancer every single day but I am a new wife and this put things into a whole different perspective. Thank you for giving me a different way to look at my life and the lives of my patients. I am thinking about you and John...

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